Thursday, July 22, 2010

Turn Around

Yes, honesty IS the best policy!

Sharing your heart, with pure motives, without ill intentions, regardless of the pain inflicted is a good idea. My openness has brought about some changes. I'm not saying that I made the changes, but sharing my heart brought about some open dialogue and for that I am grateful.

Dear Hubby and I are experiencing a new found love and respect for one another. Openness, sharing, love and respect are good things in a marriage, in sickness and in health.

Can I offer one piece of advice?? If you and your ill spouse are having marriage issues because of the illness, please speak up. Please reach out for help. These are big things we are dealing with in this life as a caregiver. Let's not make it more difficult than it already is.

And, here is a big (((((HUG))))) for all of us on this road with our spouses. May we find the gifts amidst the pains, may we reach out for the life lines when we are sinking and may our love and respect grow in new and meaningful ways.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

"We are not necessarily doubting
that God will do the best for us;

we are wondering how painful
the best will turn out to be."

-----CS Lewis

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Honesty? The best policy?

Yes. It is. But there are consequences when you decide to be honest. Sometimes what you say hurts someone. Or they figure out the real you and they no longer like you. Honesty is painful, but sometimes it's the only way to get help and get beyond living a double life.

Chronic illness does things to a person, whether they are the one who is sick or the whether they are the caregiver. It changes us. It's painful, terrible, good, bad, difficult, trying, beneficial, harmful and frightening. It brings hope, fear, worry, joy, loss, sadness and peace.

We can learn so much from illness, and at the same time, we can be robbed of so much. We can grow during these times, but we can also loose so much. Things change in chronic illness and most of us don't like change. Oh, fun changes we like...things like vacations, new restaurants, etc. But most big changes in our lives, we fight against. Especially the bad changes, the terrible things, the hard stuff.

I've been doing some fighting. I've been holding on to things..... and finding them changing on me has done a number on me. I don't like for my nice life to change into a hard life. I don't like the things the illness has done to me and to my husband. And, while I'm fighting, I'm realizing that fighting changes nothing, except maybe makes me a harder person to be around.

I'm trying to let go of some things, but sometimes it's hard to know what to hang on to, what to fight for and what needs to be approached with an open hand. Open to let the change happen and learning to live the new life, the new things.

Love is always worth fighting for, but sometimes love changes. And, that's one I'm having a difficult time with.

This past week, hubby and I sat down with a Pastor who has been such a blessing to our family. I was open, I was honest. Something I said hurt my husband. And, I'm not exactly sure of what the Pastor now thinks of me. I'm sure he still loves me. He's a gracious and kind man. But the main thing is this: I was honest. And, because of that honesty, some things have been talked about in our home.

The only advice our Pastor could give either of us, my hubby and I is this: pray. We both have one specific prayer to pray. We are each asking our Father in heaven for a specific thing. I will share mine.

I am praying for the Lord to give me a supernatural ability, a grace, to accept this life and deal with the difficulties I face each and every day. It sounds simple, and while I have prayed this many times since we began this journey, I am now focusing my heart and attention on this. I NEED supernatural ability because I cannot do this another day in my own strength. Ten years in and I have lost my ability. My strength has failed. Sure, I've known that as Christians we are never to do anything in our own strength and all this time, I've felt as if I was using the strength of the Lord to get through the days. And, now as the strength is beginning to fail me, perhaps I'm seeing that I've been living in my own strength.

I am begging my Jesus to do this work in me. Will you agree with me in prayer that He will give me supernatural ability and grace? I want to walk to the end of my time here in the valley, with the Lord's hand upon me, giving me His strength.