Sometimes I forget things. I forget where I placed my cell phone. Or my van keys. Sometimes I loose important papers and go on a mad hunt for them. I've forgotten my friend's birthdays. I've forgotten to make phone calls.
I think the thing that brings me the most sadness is this: I've forgotten life before MS.
I've forgotten what my sweet husband was like: strong, vibrant, healthy, and a hard worker.
I've forgotten what I was like before MS.
I've forgotten how families operate, the activities you participate in, going to church, visiting family, etc.
I've forgotten what it's like to have a door opened for you. A glass of tea brought to you by your sweetie, or what it's like walking through Home Depot, hand in hand.
I've forgotten what it is to look ahead to the future with excitement and anticipation of wonderful things.
I've forgotten who I was before......
3 comments:
First of all...big hug! It is natural that you would mourn the loss of what you thought life might be as a married couple.
Secondly, it is natural to believe that our life (My Life) should be "normal" just as so many lives I see around me. And my life was. For many years.
But now my "new" life is "my life". And it is the "norm" for me. Hubby an I are both dealing with multiple medical issues. Thankfully, and gratefully, we are still mobile. Currently, even though I am still taking a chemo maintenance drug, I'm the healthier and I'm the chauffer, the chef, the housekeeper.
He does a good job of taking care of his own bodily needs (bathing, etc). And so our household, in that respect, is considerably more "normal" than yours.
I liken the hours to "having a job". Hubby's job is to go to dialysis three times weekly. And both of us have multiple doc appts, blood draws, chemo, etc. Those are hours that are no longer hours of leisure.
Since my diagnosis I've recognized that we do indeed dwell in David's "valley of the shadow of death". We're all walking through that valley (this earthly world). Some of us stride happily along with nary a care. Others are crawling through the Mojave dessert seeking a drop to drink.
Someday, we will get through this valley and will be on the open plains again, green grass, blooming flowers, birds in the air, fresh air.
I pray that you can find rest during each day and also encouragement and strength.
I love what the lady said above and I can't improve on it. I'm experiencing the same thing... so many changes. For me.. I continue to remind myself that God is in charge and has foreordained my day in exact portion to conform me into the image of Christ and for His glory. I don't 'do' it perfectly. I'm also enjoying 'One Thousand Gifts' and it is helping me to find "GOD" in my moments.
My "now" is not as limited as your situation so I don't have a "before" as different as yours, but I completely understand. We've gone through some upheavals in the last few years too You end up feeling like you are completely swallowed up by someone else's life. Where did yours go? Sometimes you say "Boy, wouldn't it be nice if..." and then you stop yourself because it can't. That's not the road you have to walk. Yes, I completely understand. You grieve for the changes but you cherish what you have.
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