Saturday, February 12, 2011

Still here

It's been a while since I posted here, I know. And, I've asked myself why.

Perhaps I'm just too busy? No, not really. I have time to do what I need to do and then spare time to do some of the things I want.

Maybe I have nothing to say? No, that's not it either. With caregiving, there is always something to say.

I think that maybe it's that I feel that here during the midst of my caregiving experience, often I have to "work myself up" to post something upbeat and encouraging. Reading over my past posts, I know that they aren't always the most encouraging, but I'm thinking maybe it's better to focus on the good.

And, so maybe that's why I haven't posted in a while.

There are good things that have happened over the years, as I've walked this caregiving journey and I am grateful. I really am.

But this is rough road. It is a road filled with self doubt, fear, sadness, loss, misunderstandings, dread, hospital runs, stress, family issues, financial pressures, etc. It's all there.

And, I struggle with the balance between being honest and being encouraging. If I speak honestly everyday, I think I would find that there is a lot of pain on this journey and maybe that's just too much to face in written word, in black and white.

There are snatches and moments of joy, but they are soon replaced by loneliness, sadness and hurt. As caregivers, we try to make the best of life and enjoy what we are given. Making lemonade out of lemons. But some days we realize that we are short on sugar and our lemonade is too tart for our liking.

So maybe today, I will write another list of gratitudes. Maybe today, I'll concentrate on the good. Maybe today, I'll spend time thanking the Lord for what I do have, instead of thinking about what I lack.

And, maybe in the process of doing that He will change my heart. Maybe He will change my outlook. And, maybe I'll find myself with a tiny bit of joy to cling to.


WhiteStone said...

I understand exactly what you are saying. I find it difficult to be upbeat on my blog when the two of us are dealing with serious health issues...each of us now has cancer.

We remain thankful to God for all good things.

YankeesFan said...

I can relate to everything you have written here. Since you mentioned thanking the Lord for what you do have, I would like to say that I am thankful for you (and all my caregiving friends). Thank you, Paula, for everything you are willing to share with all of us. I find much encouragement in your words :)

Peace and blessings,

Jenn said...

I have to say, this post, as most of your posts do, inspired me today. I started a blog about my journey as a wife to someone with progressive MS, and then I just let life get away from me without saying on more word on my blog. Like you I had the time (other than moving), I had lots to talk about, but so often I worry that I will scare others with what I have to say, or that I will make others worry about my dh and our family. Thank you for this reminder, and thank you for being an honest blogger whether it's sweet lemonade or the kind that is a little more tart than usual!